He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
