I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
