I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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