On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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