Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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