Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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