During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I skipped work to stalk him.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
