am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
