East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
