overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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