this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
