You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
