i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
