What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
