someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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