I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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