new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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