come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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