____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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