Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
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Also, beer. Big fan.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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