i need an iv and a liver transplant
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
