so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
