i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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