It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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