okay pat passed out under dana's car
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
