Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
