I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
