My friends, they love my intelligence
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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