I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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