She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
