my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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