i just wanna soil my oats bro
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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