Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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