32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
