My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
