your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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