he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
