if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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