I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
