My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
