Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
