why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
