Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
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I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.