We got so high we made milksteak
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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