I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
