I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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