Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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