She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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