At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
