We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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