I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
