i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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