I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My vagina is officially offended.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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