shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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