Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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