I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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