I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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